I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
