So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
