i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
