trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
