Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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