His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
