i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
My pussy is not your playground.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
