My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
