i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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