Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
