i jhust puked up my retainher.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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