Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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