You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
