I smell stomach acid.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
