Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
