just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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