I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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