When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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