This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
