I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
