I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
