i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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