If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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