Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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