dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i was born a porn star she said
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
