when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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