Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
