I wish my penis had an off switch
if i can run in heels then i can drive
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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