Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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