i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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