Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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