I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
