Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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