i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I am naked and annoyed.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
