she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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