I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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