Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
