Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
