Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
