This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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