good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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