I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
