Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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