oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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