i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
