He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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