You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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