He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
