I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Randomize
