separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
