Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
