You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
