I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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