He asked to "fluff my boner.."
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Pooping to opera.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
