You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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