those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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