I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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