this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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