I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
someone owes me an orgasm
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Come see our sink grown plant.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
