He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
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