just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
