so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
