And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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